The Newsroom

SPOILER ALERT: There will be spoilers for The Newsroom in this post.

I was going to wait until after the season finale to discuss the latest show from Aaron Sorkin. However, I changed my mind after watching the penultimate episode of the first season tonight, and reading Scott Tobias' latest review of the show. Frankly, I felt like I couldn't wait, and the last episode of the season is quite unlikely to change my opinion.

The West Wing is one of my favorite shows of all time, and Sports Night isn't too far behind. I've enjoyed all of the movies Sorkin has written that I've watched, and I still think the pilot of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip was one of the best pilots I've ever seen. In short, I'm most certainly a fan of the guys work.

I enjoyed The Social Network and Moneyball, so it was natural I'd be excited for The Newsroom. It being on HBO added to the excitement, as after all "It's not TV, it's HBO". On top of that, it was about a news show trying to stand up and restore the integrity and power of the fourth estate, a cause that I believe in strongly. In short, I was looking very much forward to its debut after Game of Thrones wrapped up for another season. Obviously, expectations were running very high.

So I watched the first episode and it was...OK. Unlike many critics throughout the internet world, I wasn't instantly hateful of the show, but I could clearly see it was not living up to its potential. I dearly hoped it would get better. And it did...eventually.

By the later half of the season, I was liking a lot of what they were doing. Sure, the relationship triangle quadrangle between Don, Maggie, Jim, and Lisa was still insufferable, as was the whole Will/MacKenzie troubled past crap. And the shows tendency to play second guessing on real stories* made me so glad The West Wing and Sportsnight existed in mostly fictional timelines. But the whole plot between Charlie and Corporate has been well executed, and when they actually do, y'know, news the show works well. Episode eight had been a fine episode, further fleshing out the TMI/Lansing/Newsnight storyline and setting up a typical Sorkin abandonment of ideals, then regrouping scenario. Sure, the idea that Newsnight 2.0 would lose 50% of its voters to an awful howler monkey screeching about Casey Anthony**, and Neal came off as a bit awful in his quest to be a master troll. But it was fine, even given the "miracle blackout".

As expected as it was, I still love Sorkin's "stumble and redeem" arcs. I loved "Let Bartlet be Bartlet" and "Mary Pat Shelby". I knew this would be one of those types of episodes, and in fact I kind of guessed how he'd do it. The big important debate format would be rejected by the hot-headed GOP official, making their wallow in the filth of Casey Anthony and Anthony Wiener's...um...picture worth very little. Having lost that battle, they decide to recommit, and do real news again. Obviously, this would lose viewers, and give Jane Fonda a reason to fire Will.

For a few glorious moments in the episode, it appeared that I would be wrong, and Sorkin had come up with a brilliant way to redeem the team. They would use the blackout to their advantage, doing a seat of their pants broadcast outside. As MacKenzie and the team got fired up for this, I was really looking forward to a taught, tense hour of TV as they tried to put on a news show outside. Of course, until the buildup clearly showed they were going for a joke on this. A fucking joke.

Granted, I did laugh, but I'm not sure if I felt it was truly funny, or I was just trying to find it funny. I tried to find it entertaining, through the obvious debate format setup (right down to the sensible, older moderate Republican and hard-headed vengeance seeking young radical conservative, the latter of which had the power of refusal)***. I tried to rationalize the romantic entanglements that made up far too much of this episode, which should have focused again on the news and not fluffy shit. I even tried to enjoy Neal's trolling attempt, hoping it was going to lead to him trying to get through into Anonymous (and thus segue into season two with OWS and the likes). Instead, I don't know what the hell he is doing, going deeper into the hole and trying to involve a bodyguard and death threats in his trolling. Both Jim and Will try to play Josh Lyman/Dan Rydell in the episode, and it really doesn't fit well. And the less said about Lisa's digression into a soapbox speech on abortion in the middle of her Casey Anthony related interview the better.

Frankly, I've gotten more down on this episode as I think more about it, especially after the AVClub review brought up the "could have been" of the blackout show. I truly feel there are parts I've enjoyed, but far too much has been stuff I almost feel like I am trying to enjoy it. I do so because I want so badly to like it.

I want so badly to the like the show because I enjoy TV shows, movies, music, and books that make real points about life and our society's institutions, provided they are also entertaining. It's why Parks and Recreation is my favorite show currently running. It's why I love Deep Space Nine (and Star Trek in general). It's why I loved The West Wing and Moral Orel. Sure, I enjoy shows that are entertaining without great meaning, but that meaning is a nice salty, savory, or even bitter counterbalance to the sweet entertainment.

Most of all, I want so badly to like this show, because I want to justify my continuing to watch it. Right now there are far too many great shows on. I only have so much entertainment time in a day, and only a fraction of that is devoted to TV (and current shows at that). I'm sure I'll watch next season, but if it continues to disappoint like this night's episode, I might not be around for long. Basically what keeps me here is the bigger picture part of the show and Sam Waterston's performance as Charlie. Oh, and the hope, however forlorn, that Sorkin can do this again:



* Hey look, Maggie knows an attendant to the prime minister of Austria! Now we can get the scoop on the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand! Oh, and Jim knows Clemenceau's great nephew? BULLY! We'll stop this war yet!

** Seriously, the kind of people who would love Newsnight 2.0 are the same kind of people who would HATE shows like Nancy Grace. I could see them moving to Anderson Cooper, or some other not Fox News show talking about Casey Anthony, but not Nancy Grace. Also, the debt ceiling was not being ignored, just badly reported upon.

*** I totally believe the debates should be more about making candidates defend their positions and answer the damn questions, and not use them as pivots to their talking points. After all it is a debate, and not a freaking joint press conference. Still, the "Newsnight Fantastic Super Revolutionary Debate Format", which was merely Will interrupting the candidates and yelling at them, probably is not the optimal format.

Cautiously Optimistic: The 2012 Chicago Bears

On the eve of the Bears first preseason game against Peyton Manning and the Colts Broncos*, I'm not quite sure how to feel. For the first time in my Bears fandom they actually have a Quarterback worth caring about, as well as real wide receiver. Forte got his contract, and should be happy and ready to go. The defense, though its core is still rather old, looks like it will be solid again. By god, they might actually be contenders.

Nonetheless, I am trying to remain rather cautious in my optimism. I can't help but think back to that San Diego game last year. For the first time in a long time, the Bears looked like a real contender, a team that could actually do something. Cutler was tearing apart the Chargers, and a second straight playoff berth looked almost like a sure thing. Then Johnny Knox slipped, the Chargers intercepted Cutler's pass, and he made a touchdown saving tackle. Cutler broke his thumb on the tackle, and the season changed irrevocably. From there, the Bears went from one of their best games in at least five years, to two of their most embarrassing losses ever**.

Hopefully things will be better this year. Mike Martz is gone, and Cutler has his receiver in Brandon Marshall and his QB coach in Jeremy Bates. Mike Tice's offense should hopefully be tailored to his talents, and minimize the mistakes of the offensive line. With luck the Bears offense won't take half a season to get in gear. If not, the early season schedule might leave them in a hole.

At first glance the first eight games look easier than the last eight. They start with Colts, and play the Rams and Jaguars as well. The Packers and Lions are by far the two toughest opponents in the first half. They have four home games and four away games, so that shouldn't affect them much.

However, the thing that worries me are all the night games. After experiencing so many dreadful Bears performances on Sunday, Monday, and Thursday nights, I tend to dread these games. Sure, some of the greatest Bears moments have happened under the lights. So have far too many drubbings, including several by the hated Packers. Guess who there first prime-time opponent is? To add to the miserable mess, it's a Thursday night NFL Network game, my least favorite type of NFL game.

Sure, they begin the back half of the season with an NBC/ESPN prime-time back to back against the Texans and 49ers. But once those are done, they finish the season with six day games, with only one at this time scheduled for late afternoon.*** The back half does appear to be against tougher opponents, so not starting in a hole makes it that much more important.

In the end, this is the most excited for a Bears season I've been since at least 2006. Still, I am trying to tamp down my enthusiasm and remain cautiously optimistic. After all, the Packers are still a terrible matchup for the Bears, and the Lions don't look any less tough than they were last year. I'm sure even the Vikings have found a few ways to improve. Here's to another great season of football.

Oh yeah, my prediction? The Bears go 5-3 to start the season, and 5-3 in the back half. While it leaves them behind the Packers, they beat the Lions out of the playoffs, winning the Wild Card round and losing in the Divisional round. The Packers and Texans will win their conferences, and the Packers will beat the Texans, who are just happy to have made it that far.****

*Have to say it feels weird to type that. Seriously, I almost typed Colts based on muscle memory, even though I spent the previous thirty seconds telling myself to type Broncos.

**I think that 10-3 loss to the Chiefs was the worst game I had the misfortune to ever watch. Yes, it was worse than the dreadful Wannstedt years, worse than the 2003 season opener against the 49ers, even worse than anything involving Chad Hutchinson, Henry Burris, Johnathan Quinn, or Caleb Hanie's other games. And although most of the game the defense performed admirably, that Denver game wasn't much better. I think Marion Barber just fumbled again. Or did he go out of bounds?

***Unlike prime time games, I actually like the late afternoon game. Especially late in the season, it means the Bears are having a season worth watching. Or they are playing a meaningless game in Seattle or Oakland. Either way it is still better than those NFL Network games. In addition, the most amazing two week span of the last 23 years for the Bears (2001 against the 49ers and Browns) took place during the late afternoon games.

****Pre-emptive apologies to the Texans fans for your upcoming 5-11 season. No apologies for you Packers fan, you get what you deserve.

Nature's Splendor, Part Two

To read part one, click here.

After a short while, the bus finally pulled up. Slowly the crowd filed onto the bus, until finally they were all on and the bus pulled away. It had a couple of other stops in town, but finally it pulled onto California Highway 140.

Af first the terrain was little different than much of the train ride had been. The sprawl of Merced gave way to the pastures, fields, and orchards of the Central Valley. However, after leaving the small town of Planada, a new thing entered his view. While barely perceptible in the morning haze, they were unmistakable along the horizon. The high peaks of the Sierra were visible.

Seeing the purple mountains in the distance stirred something in Josh. He remembered this feeling, faint though it was. It was the feeling he had felt every summer, as his family drove west on I-40 out of HIckory, North Carolina. It was a happy feeling, albeit one that was tinged with impatience. The last time he had felt anything resembling it was when he started his job. It was anticipation.

As he thought it over, he hadn’t seen mountains like this in a while. He had gone to college in Iowa, and had worked most of his time since graduation in Chicago. His parents lived in Richmond, Virginia, and he had vacationed in Florida, Las Vegas, and New York. When he had crossed mountains, it had been in the pressurized comfort of a jet. There were mountains in Las Vegas, as well as all around his home in the Bay Area. However, these were merely part of the background, as he headed off to a casino, or sat in traffic on the way to work.

After many more miles of driving, the tall peaks of the Sierra Nevada disappeared. They were still there, of course. It was just that their foothills, several thousand feet tall themselves, overtook the view. Rocky outcropping and small hills first appeared, dotting the landscape amidst cows and pistachio trees. Finally the bus started going uphill, as the once straight road became rather curvy.

The plants were still rather scrubby, although oak trees became more prevalent. The bus made a quick stop at a small village called Cathey’s Valley, and continued on through the oak trees. The bus climbed again, even if the terrain really didn’t change. The road became even curvier as it ran past Agua Fria, once a former boomtown during the gold rush. A few miles later it entered Mariposa, a small town that was also the county seat.

The bus made a few stops in the town, as it was a gateway town to Yosemite for many tourists. There were several motels in town, as well as many other businesses. Shortly they passed out of town and into pine trees. This was short lived, however, as the bus went down into a canyon. Finally the bus leveled off, as the road met the Merced River. Once more the bus climbed towards Yosemite.

Thoughts on What Happened in Aurora, CO

Up until Friday morning, this post was going to be my review of The Dark Night Rises, as well as some thoughts on this summer's movies. I was looking forward to sharing my thoughts on the movie, whether I liked it or not. Obviously, what happened early Friday out in Aurora, CO changed that.

Yeah, I still went to see the movie yesterday. I wasn't going to let some messed up asshole 1000 miles away change my plans. I was a bit uneasy doing it, even though I went through the probabilities of the situation. The likelihood of a second incident happening during a mid-day matinee showing was low, but I still found myself watching the exit door. I even made sure I'd sit in the seat closest to the door opposite of the exit door. The movie ended up capturing most of my attention, but to say it had my full attention throughout would be an exaggeration.

I love going to the movies, even if I have to drive an hour now to see a film at a decent theater. When I was living in Virginia Beach I ended up watching a movie every year. No matter how nice home theater systems get, they still cannot beat the communal experience of the cinema. The cool air, the big screen, the dark theater. It really is one of my favorite things to do, even when jerks are messing with their phones, or teenagers are wearing too much damn perfume.

I've even gone to a couple midnight showings. Each time was a special experiences, the packed theater giving off an almost electric vibe. When the lights went down on Return of the King, I certainly felt a rush of anticipation, as the long wait was over and all that remained was the movie. I imagine that the crowd that packed into theater 9 at the Century 16 in Aurora felt that same excitement as the trailers finished, and that Warner Brothers logo came up. Unfortunately, one of those moviegoers was actually a sick delusional fuckbag who decided to ruin it all in one minute of gunfire.

One of the people killed was Alex Sullivan. He was celebrating his twenty-seventh birthday watching the movie. Tomorrow wsa going to be his first wedding anniversary. This should have been a jubilant time for him and his family. Instead it will now be a time of mourning.

I love going to the movies for my birthday. When I was a kid it was oftentimes the one time a year I might get to see one in a theater. I love going to see movies on Thanksgiving weekend, and during the week between Christmas and New Years. I love it when the Oscar level films finally show up at our podunk theaters in January and February. From that first tentpole film in early May, through the big Memorial Day weekend release, to that last really big event movie in mid July I really love summer movie season. Heck, I even like the lean September/October and March/April periods, which have exposed me to some of my favorite movies.

During the regular course of life I can get rather tense. Watching DVDs, Blu Ray, or Netflix helps, but it isn't anything like those two or three hours of escape I feel in a theater. Until July 20, 2012 I never thought twice about my safety or ability to relax in a theater. I resent the hell out of this asshole who has made me doubt, even temporarily, my ability to relax in the warm glow of the silver screen.

In the larger picture, my slight inconvenience means absolutely shit. Because of that murderer, 12 families have been absolutely devastated. For the others who were in that theater, some will have physical scars. Many more, however, will have emotional and psychological scars to deal with. I can't imagine they'd likely be able to go to ANY theater, let alone the Century 16.

Frankly, I can't imagine what the victims, their families, and the family of the killer are going through. To act like I do would be disingenuous and self-serving. All I can do is keep them in my thoughts, and hope that they can find some solace and peace in this terrible time.

Over the next few days perhaps we'll get some idea as to why the killer did what he did. Of course, it might be days until the authorities can even get into his apartment, considering how meticulous it has been booby trapped. Supposedly he dyed his hair red and called himself "The Joker". As far as I know this is speculation, as is most everything else beyond his basic information. There already appears to be hoaxes and urban myths spreading, a fact of life in this age of rapid information distribution.

As for the rest of us, I'm sure we won't disappoint The Onion.

500 Word Serials #2: Nature's Splendor (Part One)

It's Baaaaaack. After a long hiatus, I'm bringing back my 500 word serials. Why did it take this long? Well, I don't have a good reason, but I'll give you an excuse instead. Quite frankly, I couldn't think of a good idea, at least until the one for this story popped in there. This is inspired by my trips to Yosemite in 2004, 2009, and this past April, but also any visit I've made to nature. I guarantee the next story will be funnier.*

Josh Amberstone was tired. He wasn’t temporarily tired, in a way that a good night’s sleep would cure. He was just dead exhausted. Exhausted with life, exhausted with people, exhausted with himself.

The train ride from Oakland to the dusty central valley town of Merced had done little to cure that exhaustion. If anything it had made it worse, courtesy of the screaming infant three rows up, and his older brother who spilled the soda and hot dog when the train made a sudden lurch. Josh was glad when his stop was called, and even more so when that family stayed on. They were the problem of Fresno or Bakersfield.

As the train pulled away, Josh sighed, finding a seat to wait for the YARTS (Yosemite Area Regional Transportation System) bus. This would be his gateway to the high Sierra, and the valley known as Yosemite. His friends had suggested the park to him as a good place to relax and recharge. Josh was skeptical, wondering how some rocks, trees, and some waterfalls would help him out. Nevertheless he decided to go, taking a week off from work to fly out to California and visit this place.

I mean, it wasn’t like he hated nature. Far from it, in fact. Every year his parents would rent a cabin near the Smokies in North Carolina. When he was younger, he loved running down the hillside near the cabin, visiting the waterfalls at Deep Creek, and having picnics amid the tall trees of the Smokies. He remembered the view from atop Clingman’s Dome. Most of the time it was too hazy to see beyond 20 miles or so, but that one rare time they went up there after a front moved through, it had been gorgeous. Supposedly they could see Mount Mitchell (the highest point in Appalachians), seventy some miles in the distance. He had been twelve at the time, and the memory stuck with him.

However, as he grew up, nature and Josh had parted ways. He still was in decent shape, playing golf a couple times a week and running five miles about every day. He occasionally strolled through the woods at Forest Park in St. Louis, and often picnicked with his friends there. However, for the most part he had become a citizen of the indoors. When he actually had free time, it was spent with Netflix, his apartment couch, and the contents of his refrigerator.

Around him were other people waiting for the bus. It was an eclectic group. There was a group of retirees, enjoying each other’s company as they reminisced on previous trips to Yosemite. There were a few foreign tourists, mainly Japanese or German in origin. A few of the waiting passengers were IT professionals from Silicon Valley, out for a quick weekend trip to the valley. Obviously there were a couple of hippie wannabes, as well as a couple of earnest looking twentysomethings with well stocked backpacks. In other words, your typical Yosemite crowd.

*Guarantee void in perpetuity throughout the entirety of the Milky Way and any adjacent galaxies.

Politics in my TV: Veep and Parks and Recreation

Holy Crap, has it really been a year since I posted on here? Looks like nobody has exactly missed my screeds. Anyway, I've built up a year's worth of thoughts on all things TV, Movies, and Books, as well as the usual bloviating and story ideas. Expect me to post more frequently from now on, or at least post a few half-assed things about Leslie Knope and Brandon Marshall, and then go quiet for another year.
SPOILER ALERT FOR BOTH PARKS & RECREATION AND VEEP. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I like politics. Well, I'm not exactly sure I like politics. Politics is basically a colossal mess of horseshit, interspersed with a few miniscule diamond flakes of transcendent beauty. Even if you or your candidate wins the election, they then have to try to govern. In this day an age trying to govern is like putting out a bunch of fires, as others start more fires around you, or pour gasoline on the existing fires, or parade through the fires setting off fireworks fueled by their petty grievances. If you get one thing accomplished, change one mind on either the campaign trail or while in the clusterfuck that is governing, you can consider it a good day. Frankly, it's wearying just following it all, especially when too often your side seems to be the ones getting burnt. To actually be a part of it would take almost superhuman energy and an preternatural ability to ignore failure. And that's just to tread water.

In much fewer words, politics is a drug I can't quit. Thinking about it consumes far too much time for a sane human being, but I just can't pull myself away from it. Hell, it might get so bad at some point that my fevered thoughts will end up spilling onto the pages over at August Prairie. Because I spend so much time obsessing over this most crucial yet somewhat irrelevant part of everyday American life, you'd think my entertainment choices would be less demanding, less related to politics.

Ha!

My favorite show on television right now is Parks and Recreation. Of the new shows that debuted either last fall or this spring, my favorite by far is Veep. Both deal with politics and government, the former with local government and the latter with Washington. There tones couldn't be more dissimilar, as Parks is rather genuine, while Veep is incredibly cynical. Still, I think both demonstrate very well what an uphill battle it is to get things accomplished in this day and age.

As heartfelt as the victories of Leslie and the rest of the gang in Pawnee are, they weren't easily won. To get that pit filled in, or get the harvest festival off the ground, or win a seat on the town council, Knope had to work hard. She had to suffer the fickle nature of her fellow Pawneeans, a boss who diametrically opposed her agenda, and employees that ranged from apathetic (April) to self-absorbed (Tom) to incompetent (Andy and Jerry). Whether it was an antagonistic or brain-dead media, the glacial pace of a modern bureaucracy, or the anarchy of one Greg Pikitis, she fought through it all. And she did it all with a smile on her face. Not because there was riches or glory in it for her, but because it was her job and because she believes in the town and in the parks.

Sure, the raccoon problem is merely contained and not solved. Eagleton still looks down upon the town, and the budget woes that brought Mr. Traegar and Mr. Wyatt to town are still there. The Parks department will still have to fight for every penny they need, and Tammy #2 and the rest of those dastardly librarians will sit in their stale halls full of books, plotting their next move. As she moves to the City Council, that battle will become tougher, as there will be more mouths to feed, and she will have to make tougher choices. After all, they play with live ammo there. If she isn't careful, the pressures of the job may overwhelm her, and snuff out that enthusiastic love of accomplishment and public service. Eventually Leslie might view getting elected, rather than governing, as her primary occupation.

A few levels of government up and a quarter of the country to the east, the office of Vice President Selina Meyer serves as a cautionary tale for Councilwoman Knope. Throughout Veep there have been hints that at one time Meyer was principled, talented, and effective in her job. Now, as the person one heartbeat away from the most powerful job in the world, she is not exactly effective nor powerful. What fire and drive she might have had has clearly been driven out by the soul-grinding world of Washington politics, made worse by being relegated to a do-nothing position in the current Administration.

To be fair, the Vice Presidency is not an office to which power is naturally given. Sure, there have been powerful veeps like Dick Cheney or Al Gore, but far more often they've been relegated to playing a rather pointless Robin to the President's Batman. To her credit, Meyer does try to get a clean jobs task force started, as well as championing filibuster reform. Unfortunately, the feckless world of Congressional politics renders her first priority toothless, to the point she is basically forced to vote down her pet policy when the Senate ties and she has to exercise one of her few Constitutionally mandated roles.

If that wasn't bad enough, she has to do deal with a sensationalistic media and a staff that often borders on complete incompetency. It is hard to get anything done when you have to spend all of your time dealing with "crises" that dominate the news cycle, especially when the President sends some low-level caveman looking flunky to ride herd on you. It's totally unfair when just dealing with the process and horse-race obsessed media. And that is before you get to their sexist double standard, going overboard to create controversies between the First Lady and the Vice President, or how they would have torn her apart if her pregnancy had been discovered.

Granted, the world of Veep seems much colder, much meaner than Pawnee. Of course, it is the major leagues of politics, while Pawnee is at best a tee-ball league. The main characters, from Chris, Ben, and Ron, on down to April, Andy, and even Jerry seem to like and respect each other. In contrast, outside of Gary and possibly Amy, Selina doesn't really have much in the way of a support structure of friends and co-workers. I suppose it is true that if you want a friend in Washington, you have to get a dog.

In the end I prefer the slightly more optimistic bent of the little show in Pawnee, even though I suspect reality is far closer to the crushing pessimism of Veep's Washington. One of my favorite stories from last season was April's pet adoption fair. In the end only one dog was adopted, while some heartless woman dropped off two additional cats. The event was a failure based upon almost all metrics, as it resulted in a net gain of abandoned animals. April felt justifiably discouraged, and was completely ready to give up. However, Tom convinced her the effort wasn't in vain, as because of her efforts one young girl received a new friend, and one dog received a new home. It wasn't much in the big scheme of things, but to that girl and that dog, it meant everything in the world. Truly it was a good day's work. If every day our leaders and civil servants were so effective, maybe things would be better.

Or at least it would be, if that fucking secret service agent would stop smiling. You better make sure he gets reassigned. Now excuse me, I have to go deal with Yoghurtgate and go vote my conscious, which my staff will help me decide on during the drive over to the Hill. And by the way, make sure NOAA changes the name of that fucking hurricane. Did the President call?

The Part Where I Encourage you to Watch These Shows

Veep is wrapping up its first season on HBO this weekend. If you have HBO, go check it out HBOgo. If you want more political fun by the creator of Veep that makes you laugh because it hurts to cry, check out In the Loop or The Thick of It. Parks and Recreation will return in the fall, and can be viewed on Netflix and Hulu Plus. If you gave up on its weak first season, or have yet to watch it, do so now. I SAID DO IT. There is no reason zombie The Office should have higher ratings than it.

The Blogger, Part Four

Part One | Part Two | Part Three

“So what are you writing today, “ said the old man, “the latest Tolkein wanna-be? A political thriller set during the Polk administration? Some bullshit coming of age story about a manchild and the manic pixie dream girl who completes him? God, it isn’t some story about space people and their relationship to Bob Dylan, is it?”


“No, nothing nearly that ambitious. Just blogging about movies, the outdoors, things I do.”


“So what’s the problem?”

“Well, it just feels inessential, rather boring. So I went to a festival, ate some greasy sweet food, played a couple games, and listened to some music. So what, who cares what I have to say? So either I try to attach a higher purpose to the event, or go the other way and try to diminish it, hiding it in a sea of non sequiturs and The Simpsons references. The second approach, while sometimes fun, more often results in the disaster my current post is.”


“I see. Y’know what I fucking think? If something is worth writing about, give it the respect it deserves. Otherwise, leave it alone, or twat abo--”


“Tweet, it’s called tweeting”


“What the fuck ever, like I care. The point is if you are writing about real events, you should give them the respect they deserve. Sit for a few hours, think over possible angles, actually put some effort into it, for christ sake. Who knows, maybe you’ll find a new way to look at the event, something that might be interesting.”


“Wait, you think I should work at it? Why would I want to write if I had to put effort into it?”


“Ha-ha, fuckwit.”


“No, I get it, I do tend to just slap the crap up without taking time to think it through. Thanks for the help”


“My pleasure, my good man, “ said a familiar voice. It took him a second, but he realized it was his own voice that had replied.


“What the hell is going on?”


“I’m afraid you decided to disappear into your own ass, worrying about that dreadful blog post. To get yourself some perspective, you needed to create a false reality.”


“But why the crusty foul-mouthed old man?”
“Because that old fart represented authenticity to you. Had he shown up looking like Isaac Newton or Kate Winslet, you wouldn’t have bought your vision.”


“Why am I speaking to myself in the second person?”


“Because speaking in the first person sounds fucking insane. OK, now that the wisdom has been imparted, you feel free to remove your head from your ass.”


“SNRRAAKKmmmmmmm, “ said Bertram as he lifted his head from his desk. He looked around, saw he was back in his house, and that he must have dreamed the entire thing. He stood up and stretched. On the computer screen was his awful draft post. With a couple clicks he erased it. Picking up a pen and pad of paper, he went outside to start over, his head assuredly no longer up his ass.