Dispatches from the Popcorn Stadium: 2014 Films, The Bottom Ten

Ayyy! Where's a jukebox I can pound?

Every list has to have an end to it. While the movies at the bottom of my list are not that good of movies, each one still had some elements which made them better than a complete waste of time. No, the movies that were complete wastes of time were not films that I happened to see. These were the ones that stunk from afar and needed no viewing to confirm their lack of quality. Instead, most of these movies sitting here at the bottom of my 2014 in film suffer from a lack of proper execution, little reason to exist beyond the potential for franchise dollars, or just a wild mismatch in tone. Without further adieu, here's the infamous ten.



100. A Million Ways to Die in the West

Seth MacFarlane's western comedy could have been better, and that's why it's so disappointing. Having a character who clearly is more of a modern person stuck in the different world of 125 years ago has some potential, and he did put together an excellent cast. Unfortunately, that cast isn't very well used (other than perhaps Sarah Silverman and Neil Patrick Harris), and most of the film just isn't that funny.  I remember only a couple jokes making me laugh out loud, and a few others that were clever enough to make me smile.

99. Transcendence

In a year with some genuinely great sci-fi films, Transcendence was not one of them. It's anti-technology agenda is built off of the usual misunderstanding of how computers and the Internet work that seems to be found in most movies. It's also a movie where so much of the plot depends upon people being absolute idiots for things to happen. At its core perhaps this idea could have been the basis for a much better film. Instead it had Johnny Depp becoming a computer with god like powers.

98. The Amazing Spider-man 2

Upon initial review, this movie feels like it should be higher than this. After all, Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone give pretty watchable performances, and some of the effects are pretty neat to look at. Also, Paul Giamatti is pretty damn fun, all five minutes he's on screen. And there's the big important scene near the end. As good as some of the other comic book movies from 2014? No, but it should have been higher than 98 on the list.

However, this movie just falls apart as you think about it. Garfield's Peter is nothing like how Peter Parker should be played, it's yet another film where a guy stalking his ex is considered "cute", and what the hell was the deal with that pointless crap with the jet liner? Ugh, this movie really kind of stunk. The less said about Norman "King Koopa" Osborne, the better.

97. Wish I was Here

I liked Zach Braff on Scrubs. I also enjoyed his first film, the much maligned Garden State. Being white, middle-class, and with a fatal weakness for "indie quirk", I should be the target audience for his latest film Wish I Was Here. However, this film was a bridge too far for me. Sure, it had some scenes which were as affecting as intended. And I can't really point to any one element which made this movie not work so well. But as a whole, it just doesn't quite gell. It's far too cutesy, and try's for some significance that is just doesn't earn. And of course, that doesn't get into the propriety of Braff's Kickstarter campaign for the film. But hey, at least we got this gif from it.

96. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Unlike the other films resting at the bottom of this list, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is not something that really disappointed me. I had very few expectations for the movie going into it, and those expectations were met pretty adequately. It was exactly what you'd expect from a Michael Bay produced film about pizza eating mutant turtles fighting a villain named The Shredder. I do have to say the designs for the turtles didn't end up as bad as they originally looked, and Will Arnett was his usual enjoyable self. My only real complaint with the movie is that no self respecting New York resident would live exclusively off of Pizza Hut pizza, mutant or no. I suppose it is a step up from the Domino's they ordered twenty years ago.

95. Bad Words

Most of the comedies near the bottom of my list are there because of a squandering of cast that looks really great on paper. After all, it has Jason Bateman, Kathryn Hahn, Allison Janney, and even Phillip Baker Hall. And parts of it were funny. This was Bateman's directorial debut, and there was enough good about the film that I hope it won't be his last. But the premise is so implausible and just so stupid that the movie would have to be Blazing Saddles level hilarious to overcome that, and of course it isn't.

94. Dumb and Dumber To

Of the Bottom Ten, this one hurts the most. Dumb and Dumber is one of my favorite comedies and I had hopes (and some fears) about this sequel taking place 20 years later. Alas, my fears were the most realized of the two, although there were definitely some laugh out loud moments. Jeff Daniels and (to a lesser extent) Jim Carrey stepped right back into their roles, which was to the movie's credit. However, outside of a few inspired bits, the jokes were either retreads of the original movie or really mean ones that were worse because they weren't that funny.

93. Exodus Gods and Kings

One part of Exodus Gods and Kings shows how much better of a film this could be. That part was the arrival of the plagues. Fired off in succession, one right after the other, they ramped up the terror and disaster for the Eqyptians by showing, instead of telling. Too bad the rest of the movie couldn't have been as good as those scenes. So much of this film was wrong, from the whitewashed cast to the diminished role of characters like Aaron and Joshua this film yet again suffers from producers wanting another Lord of the Rings, no matter how little that makes sense with the content at hand.  For a movie that had so much happening it was also pretty boring, which is one of the biggest plagues to befell any film.

92. Horrible Bosses Two

Not sure why this film even exists. I know Horrible Bosses was a minor hit, and I thought it was pretty funny. Perhaps they could have found something to do with the characters that could have a made a good sequel. Instead, they just kind of recreated a similar situation of desperation for the characters so they could pretty much do a lot of the same things they did in the first movie. Charlie Day whines, Jason Sudekis makes a snide, smutty joke, and Jason Bateman looks on with a sarcastic grimace. Then again, I did go pay money to see this at the theater, so perhaps it's all my fault. 

91. Men, Women, and Children

Somewhere in Jason Reitman's latest scattershot film about the evils of technology is a good film about how being too overprotective or too permissive can be a bad thing for either your child, or one that they know. I suppose there is also a good film that could be made about a middle aged couple drifting apart, using the Internet as a catalyst to get some spice back into their life, even if it means being with somebody else. Hell, there's probably a pretty decent film in there about body image and the dangers of anorexia. Unfortunately, this film tries to be all of those at once, all the while adding "gee, isn't this crap profound?" touches like quoting Carl Sagan, showing satellites and radio waves in outer space, and using computer graphics to illustrate all of the social media happening around the cafeteria at school. In effect, the film comes off like Abe Simpson yelling at the Cloud because he read about it being used by those no-good kids on the Internet machines. Such a disappointment from the director of Thank You for Smoking, Juno, Up in the Air, and Young Adult. After this craptacular mess and his previous flop Labor Day, maybe its time he calls up Diablo Cody again.