Note: The bulk of this post will be fashioned after one of my favorite scenes from the film. It won't really be a spoiler per se, but it might be too close for comfort for some people. Also, it might make very little sense to you. Therefore, the first paragraph will be a very boring but concise review of the film.
In short, Snowpiercer is one of my favorite experiences at a movie theater ever. The action is taut and exciting, the sharp contrast in colors between the rebelling people from the end of the train and the vibrant colors displayed by those farther up the train is impressive. The story is fairly crisp and fun to follow. Best of all are the performances. Chris Evans, John Hurt, Octavia Spencer, Song Kang-ho, Go Ah-sung, Jamie Bell, and others do a wonderful job in their roles. Tilda Swinton is great as the "Great Engineer" Wilford's chief stooge, and Allison Pill damn near steals the show. See this film, preferably in a theater if you can.
OK NOW ON TO THE "REAL POST". DON'T CONTINUE UNLESS YOU HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE, OR AREN'T BOTHERED BY KNOWING DETAILS ABOUT WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IN A MOVIE.
OK, Let's Proceed. Gatemaster? Open the gate.
[Gatemaster sniffs a drug made from processed toxic waste, manipulates some wires, and the door opens. Bright light shines in from windows, as handmade arts and crafts hang on the walls, sit on shelves, and hang across the aisle. Children sitting at desks on both sides of the aisle nosily go about their day, and get excited when we walk through the gate.]
TEACHER: OK, class, settle down. Welcome Andrew and the gang from Doctor Strangeblog, a "blog" from the tail section.
KID: My dad said you tail section bloggers are lazy as hell and sit around in your own sh--
TEACHER: That's inappropriate, rude, and incorrect. They don't sit in around in their own...erm...waste.
ANDREW: No, not exactly. And we're not lazy, I'll write about Under the Skin and Rick and Morty sometime, I promise. I was going to write about Community, but the show got renewed.
ANOTHER KID: Yeah, what, two months after it was cancelled by NBC? Not a hell of lot of time to say goodbye, was it?
TEACHER: LANGUAGE! Also, we're getting off track. Remember the lesson for today.
KIDS AND TEACHER: THE GLORIOUS BOX OFFICE ENGINE IS LIFE! IF MICHAEL BAY STOPS WE ALL DIE! IF SPIDER-MAN ISN'T REBOOTED AGAIN, THE TRAIN STOPS AND WE ALL DIE!
ANDREW: Wait a second, here, the train doesn't have to just run off of bad to mediocre movies made by Michael Bay or Sony. There is another way. Look at Pacific Rim and Edge of Tomorrow.
TEACHER: Yes kids, look out the window. We're passing the remnants of the "Revolt of the Original Ideas". See the frozen carcasses of these box office bombs. They had the "great idea" of jumping off the train powered by reboots, sequels, and prequels that keep us alive. There lies Pacific Rim, Edge of Tomorrow, and others. Oh, there's Up right now.
ANDREW: That doesn't make a bit of sense. According to BoxOfficeMojo.com, Edge of Tomorrow has made over $350 million worldwide, Pacific Rim over $400 million worldwide, and Up is so ridiculous to be on your list I won't dignify it with an argument.
TEACHER: KIDS?
KIDS AND TEACHER: MERCHANDISING MATTERS ALMOST AS MUCH. MATERS AND MCQUEENS SELL MORE THAN OLD MAN DOLLS AND BOY SCOUTS SHAPED LIKE BEANS. THE ENGINE MUST MAKE ALL FROM EVERYWHERE OR WE ALL DIE.
ANDREW: OK, OK, what about Snowpiercer?
TEACHER: A post-apocalyptic film set on a high-speed train that houses the remnant of humanity? Complete with an unsubtle message about income disparity and all the ills that come with it? Full of weird characters, "R" rated language and violence, and (gasp) cigarette smoking? Can't be good for the bottom line. PG-13 or bust to bring the butts to the seats.
KIDS: PG-13 OR BUST TO BRING THE BUTTS TO THE SEATS!
ANDREW: Subtlety isn't always necessary to be great. Sometimes a message is best when hammered away like a giant bass drum. And besides, the action wouldn't be nearly as effective without the realism (or at least perceived realism) of it all.
TEACHER: Um...um....but where do all the people live. You only see so much of the train. How does the track stay running without constant maintenance. Where does all the...waste go?
ANDREW: Sometimes it's OK to remember it's a just a movie, you should really just relax.
[crickets]
ANDREW: Oh, guess you aren't too familiar with Joel and the 'Bots then.
MASON (front section hostage of Doctor Strangeblog): Joel, pshhh. More like Mike and the 'Bots.
ANDREW: NOT NOW, DAMNIT.
TEACHER: Well, whatever you are referencing, it doesn't matter. The train is life, and the "Glorious Engine" is the life of the train.
[Walks to piano and sits down]
OK, Kids, let's sing the sacred song.
TEACHER AND KIDS (singing):
OH SEQUELS AND PREQUELS, REBOOTS GALORE.
THE GLORIOUS ENGINE GIVES US MORE, MORE, AND MORE.
STRIPPED DIALOGUE, FLASHY COLORS, and ANIMATED MONSTERS OH MY!
IF WE HAVE AN ORIGINAL THOUGHT, THE ENGINE'LL FREEZE UP AND WE DIE!
OH GREAT IGER, GREAT MURDOCH, GREAT PARAMOUNT AND WARNER HEAR OUR PLEA!
GIVE US SEQUELS, GIVE US PREQUELS AND GIVE US REBOOTS FOR MAXIMUM GLEE!
Andrew: OK, I'm out before the egg cart comes rolling in.
Recommendation: Strongly Recommend
No comments:
Post a Comment